


All My Pirates

by chellerrific, madri (chellerrific)



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Charles Addams, Alternate Universe - Children, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Alternate Universe - Magical Girls, Alternate Universe - Medical, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Alternate Universe - Space, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Alternate Universe - Western, Being the Fourth Wall, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Chocolate, Crack, Dating the Fourth Wall, Desert Island, F/F, F/M, Freeing the Fourth Wall, Game Shows, Gen, Leaning on the Fourth Wall, Licking the Fourth Wall, M/M, Mary Sue, Multi, Murder Mystery, Musicals, Other, Parody, Punching the Fourth Wall, Romeo and Juliet References, Rule 63, Samurai, Self-Insert, Soap Opera, Waving at the Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 05:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3839167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific, https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/madri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Straw Hat pirates in a soap opera. No wait, a magical girl anime. No wait, a reality show.</p><p>Let’s start over.</p><p>The Straw Hat Pirates in —</p><p>Happy 10 years to a legendary work of staggering genius, and also this fic. And probably some other things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This needs a preface and I’m going to give it one. Bear with me.
> 
> This story was initially written over the summer of 2005, as a one shot that then took a life on its own. I wasn’t a Marx brothers fan yet, but you almost can’t tell (I mean because this fic is in black and white and has dated sound quality). We are now coming up on the 10th anniversary. It is by far my all-time most popular work, for all that it was left unfinished. I decided recently to reread it for the first time in many, many years, and I was delighted at how well it held up. I thought it was worth it to take on the task of importing it to AO3 from ffn, even the bits that now make me cringe. Given that I’ve got to do it by hand without a computer, well. It’s going to take a little time.
> 
> I've chosen not to bring all my original A/N along with me. Back then they were roughly half relevant, half natter. Nowadays they are entirely natter, albeit frequently amusing, but not worth the great amounts of extra effort. All author’s notes in this posting were written in 2015 unless I specify I’m quoting.
> 
> Please bear in mind that this was written ten years ago and as such there are numerous references to “spoilers” that are now old news, not to mention the conspicuous absence of characters who had not yet been integrated or even introduced. More importantly, fandom was different then, and so was I. I think this holds up pretty well, but there are some issues, mainly to do with gender and sexuality, that I recognize would be less acceptable in the fandom climate of today. I have changed a handful of words but have otherwise violently suppressed the urge to edit; I will warn in the author’s notes for the individual chapters if that chapter contains anything that might bother someone. Please heed them; they will be more succinct than these ones. There are also times I may in your view stray into “dude not funny” territory. I’ll warn for any of these I catch as well. The T rating is accurate for the whole piece in my opinion, though there may be some brief scenes that skirt the line of M. Never drifts into E, though.
> 
> I didn’t bother listing pairings. This a gen fic that references almost every pairing among the crew. I labelled the one I did because I actively advocate for it, because at the time this was written, I was captain, crew, and shipwright of that shit, and because I think the fact that I include it is probably as squicky as this fic gets. So, if you can tolerate jokes about a grown woman falling in love with a reindeer minor almost half her age, you can handle pretty much anything this fic throws up. If you find the very idea that I would make that joke appalling, well, you are not going to have much fun here at all.
> 
> The script and prose scenes were initially split into separate chapters but I’ve combined them here to make the latter easier to skip. Yeah, I know. I looked at my stats.
> 
> This chapter contains what will by no means be the last cancer joke in this fic. There’s also a line from _South Park_ , which is not even a show I watch or like, but that line was one of those things you start quoting at each other and it sticks. We also might as well address the fact that I will go out of my way to avoid using Japanese honorifics in my writing and in 2005 did not really have an official licensed English translation to work with, so I did my best.

**Voiceover** : Previously, on _All My Pirates_ … Sanji learned that his cancer was more advanced than anyone had expected. Usopp confronted Chopper about his problem. Zoro and Robin had a serious talk. And Luffy made a shocking discovery…

_(Dramatic focus on **Luffy** , who is standing in the galley, a look of intense horror on his face. Camera pans to show the rest of the galley—it’s empty.)_

**Luffy** : It’s gone! It’s all gone! _(An intense tear forms in his eye. Poignant music.)_ The _MEAT!_ _(Music rises to a dramatic crescendo.)_

_(Cut to **Usopp** , facing the camera, away from **Chopper** , who stands behind him. Both are looking very dramatic and intense.)_

**Usopp** : Chopper. This is a serious problem that’s gotten way out of hand. I don’t want to be the bad guy here…  
**Chopper** : You’re overreacting! I can quit anytime.  
**Usopp** : You’re addicted, Chopper! And it’s affecting your work. I can’t… I just can’t let you go into surgery in that condition again!  
**Chopper** : What do you know about it! Whatever! Whatever! You don’t own me! I do what I want!  
**Usopp** : We’ve been arguing about this for four episodes now, Chopper! Admit it; you have a problem!  
**Chopper** : You’re lying! And anyway, you haven’t even turned around to face me for three of those episodes.  
**Usopp** : It’s more dramatic and intense this way! _(Dramatic, intense close up of **Usopp**. Dramatic, intense close up of **Chopper**. Dramatic, intense close up of the **figurehead**.)_

_(Cut to **Robin** and **Zoro**. Both are staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Dramatic intensity abounds.)_

**Robin** : Let’s be honest with each other, Master Swordsman—  
**Zoro** : Honest? It’s honesty you want, then? _(He slams his fist on the table against which he is leaning, all dramatically intense.)_ For starters, I hate it when you call me that!  
**Robin** : But I refer to everyone that way.  
**Zoro** : Yes, and it’s a very endearing trademark and all, but it’s annoying as hell.  
**Robin** : I apologize, Master Swordsman.  
**Zoro** : That! Stop that! Besides, I thought I wasn’t like the others! I thought I was—  
**Robin** : Different?  
**Zoro** : _(He turns away from her abruptly and intensely. Drama is written all over his face.)_ I thought what we had was special.  
**Robin** : You and I both know that isn’t true, Master Swordsman. I know you’re in love with somebody else. _( **Zoro** does not respond, save for one intense, dramatic gasp.)_ It’s Master Cook, isn’t it?  
**Zoro** : _(After an intense, dramatic pause, he nods.)_ But that’s not all.  
**Robin** : _(Nodding with slow intensity, a dramatic understanding on her face.)_ Master Captain, too, then. That was almost too obvious.  
**Zoro** : Yes, but... that’s not all!  
**Robin** : _(With a dramatic, intense frown.)_ Miss Navigator, too?  
**Zoro** : Yes! It’s all true! And Usopp, and Chopper—  
**Robin** : Uh—  
**Zoro** : And Tashigi, the Marine Sergeant-Major! _SHE LOOKS LIKE MY DEAD BEST FRIEND!_ _(He dramatically bursts into intense sobs.)_  
**Robin** : Uh—  
**Zoro** : I know I often argue with these people, but it’s really just a front for my real feelings! I yell, but I just want to hold them! I just want _them_ to hold _me_! Is that _so_ much to ask? Even you, Robin. I say I don’t trust you, but I love you, too!  
**Robin** : Uh… is all of this really true?  
**Zoro** : _(A dramatically intense shrug.)_ Ten thousand fanfic writers can’t be wrong.

_(Cut to **Sanji** lying in bed, looking intensely weak, with **Chopper** standing over him dramatically.)_

**Sanji** : Weren’t you just arguing with Usopp?  
**Chopper** : That’s just the cancer talking.  
**Sanji** : Oh…  
**Chopper** : It’s advanced beyond what my skills can handle, Sanji. I’m afraid you only have seventeen minutes to live. _(Dramatic, intense close up of **Sanji**. Dramatic, intense close up of **Chopper**.)_  
**Sanji** : Only seventeen minutes? But that doesn’t give me enough time to tell the rest of the crew how I truly feel about them…  
**Chopper** : It’s okay, Sanji. They already know.  
**Sanji** : How could they possibly know?  
**Chopper** : We can see it in your eye.  
**Sanji** : Oh. … Wait a minute. “Eye”? I have two of them!  
**Chopper** : What? _( **Chopper** stumbles backwards with dramatic intensity. There is shock on his tiny, adorable face.)_ No way!  
**Sanj** i: No, I’m serious. It’s right here. _( **Sanji** sits up—it is difficult for him, in a dramatic sort of way—and brushes aside his hair, to reveal his fabled other eye. The whole moment is very intense.)_  
**Chopper** : Oh my god! _(He faints from the shock. The drama and intensity are too much for him.)_

_(Cut to **Chopper** and **Usopp** , just as they were when we last left them.)_

**Usopp** : Um. Didn’t you just pass out?  
**Chopper** : Shut up! Addiction this, pass out that! Who are they going to believe, anyway? I’m freaking ADORABLE. You’re just a liar with a big nose! Asshole!  
**Usopp** : Words can hurt, Chopper!  
**Luffy** : _(Suddenly, dramatically, intensely, the door flies open, and **Luffy** bursts in.)_ Guys! Come quick! Something terrible has happened! 

_(He bursts into the room where **Zoro** and **Robin** are intensely making out, but, in a dramatic fashion, he does not notice.)_

**Luffy** : You come too! It’s terrible, terrible!

_(With similar drama and intensity, he also bursts into the room where **Chopper** and **Sanji** are.)_

**Luffy** : Terrible! Terrible!  
**Chopper** : I heard already! Asshole!

_(Cut to the deck of the Merry. **Luffy** , **Chopper** , **Usopp** , **Zoro** , and **Robin** are intensely and dramatically gathered there.)_

**Luffy** : Terrible! Terrible! Where’s Sanji?  
**Chopper** : He only has _(pause to check the time, drama, intense)_ four more minutes to live! He can’t take any more terrible news!  
**Luffy** : Where’s Nami? _(They all exchange intense, dramatic looks of confusion.)_  
**Usopp** : We haven’t seen her all day.  
**Luffy** : That’s strange.  
**Zoro** : That’s not strange, that’s lazy writing. _(A dramatic, intense pause.)_ Why do I get the feeling this will be my last line?  
**Luffy** : Don’t complain about it; I’m the captain and I’ve barely been around this whole time. You guys were all, “Cancer this,” and “Addiction that”—addiction to _what_ , might I ask?  
**Usopp** : … That’s a good question. _(A dramatic, intense look at **Chopper**.)_ What are you addicted to again? _( **Chopper** shrugs, in a typically dramatic and intense fashion.)_  
**Robin** : Master Captain?  
**Luffy** : Huh?  
**Robin** : What was the “terrible, terrible” news you had to give us?  
**Luffy** : What are you talking about? — Oh! Oh, that! It’s terrible, terrible!  
**Usopp** : So we hear.  
**Sanji** : _(Suddenly, he dramatically bursts out of his room onto the deck with the others, who turn to him with intense gasps.)_ Good afternoon!  
**Chopper** : But it’s been eighteen minutes since I told you it would only be seventeen minutes! Is it—can it be—am I losing my touch? Maybe I _do_ have an addiction to… something…!  
**Sanji** : No, it’s not that! I feel much better!  
**Chopper** : Let me see! _(He dramatically rushes over to take **Sanji** ’s pulse intensely.)_ Oh my god! It’s true! You’re miraculously cured!  
**Usopp** : You could tell all that just by taking his pulse…?  
**Sanji** : I feel like I have a new lease on life! I want to adopt starving orphans in Africa! I want to take up the piano! I want to learn German! I want to—I want to—I want to _save the rainforest!_ And, hey, Marimo—I mean Zoro; can I call you Zoey? Let’s be friends! _( **Zoey** , to add to the intensity and drama of the moment, does not respond.)_  
**Luffy** : It’s a miracle! But it’s still terrible!  
**Robin** : _What’s_ terrible?  
**Luffy** : ALL THE MEAT IS GONE. _(Intense, dramatic close ups of each of the crew members in turn, with appropriately intense, dramatic music.)_  
**Nami** : _(The intense tension is dramatically broken when **Nami** bursts out onto the deck with the others.)_ I have an announcement to make!  
**Usopp** : Hey, Luffy, I found Nami.  
**Luffy** : Oh. Good job, Usopp!  
**Usopp** : It was no problem for me, the great Lord Captain Usopp! It was just like the time that—  
**Luffy** : _(He backhands Usopp with dramatic intensity.)_ Stop acting in-character! That’s out of place here!  
**Usopp** : Fists can hurt, Luffy!  
**Luffy** : I think that's kinda the point.  
**Nami** : AHEM. I _said_ , I have an announcement!  
**Robin** : What is it, Miss Navigator?  
**Nami** : I— _(Dramatic, intense pause.)_ —am pregnant!  
**Sanji** : WHAT? Who’s the father?  
**Nami** : That’s the second part of my announcement! I don’t know!  
**Usopp** : Process of elimination, Nami. It can’t be _that_ difficult.  
**Nami** : Remember that party we had a little while back? Where there was copious amounts of alcohol?  
**Luffy** : _(Thinking, dramatically intense.)_ No.  
**Nami** : Of course you don’t! I don’t either! So that must be when it happened!  
**Sanji** : I… am not sure that's logically sound.  
**Nami** : _(She intensely ignores him; it is dramatic.)_ It could be any of you!  
**Chopper** : EVEN ME?  
**Nami** : Even you! It’s only fair to assume so!  
**Chopper** : It’s only disgusting! I’m adorable, yes, but also a monster!  
**Nami** : Shut up! We’re not focusing on your angst right now! It’s my turn! Anyway, I’ve made a decision! And this is to be fair, remember—all of you will pay me child support, starting now!  
**All** : _WHAT?_  
**Usopp** : You’re… not really pregnant, are you?

 **Voiceover** : Next time, on _All My Pirates_ … Zoey becomes permanently mute. Chopper confronts his troubled past. Usopp considers plastic surgery. Sanji has a relapse. Luffy continues his search for the missing meat. Intensity, drama, and more, all coming up on… _All My Pirates_!

* * *

The door was three feet by seven feet, made of cedar. Right at eye-level was a plaque that read, “Uno Marionette” (it was… Italian, or something). Uno’s assistant stood outside the door, her hand poised to knock.

“Come in,” boomed a voice from within.

The assistant sighed. He always seemed to know when she was there, especially when she had bad news. She turned the knob and stepped inside, shutting the door behind her.

“Come in, come in,” he boomed again. “Boom” is no exaggeration, by the way; Uno was quite a large man and had the lung power to do so if he wished (and he often did, because it made him very intimidating). He took up most of the space behind his large desk, blocking a good portion of the view from the windows behind him.

Slowly, reluctantly, the assistant crossed the room to the desk, putting a manila envelope down in front of him. “The ratings for _Pirates_ have been dropping considerably. The network execs want to revamp.”

“What?” His incredulity was apparent, even around the giant cigar dangling from his lips.

The assistant coughed. “Uh. Sir. Please. I have asthma.”

Uno rolled his eyes, but doused the cigar in his oversize ashtray. “You say that every time. Aren’t you over that yet?”

“It’s… it’s a permanent condition, sir. It’s not exactly something that goes away.”

“Bullshit. Don't be a wimp.” He reached out and grabbed the manila envelope, then extracted its contents roughly. His eyes crossed over the page impatiently before he looked back up at his assistant. “This can’t be what they want.”

“I’m afraid so.” She nodded. “I got it directly from the execs.”

“But the target audience for this type of show is completely different from the target audience of a soap opera!”

“It’s what they want, sir.”

Uno sighed, stuffing the memo back into the envelope and handing it back to his assistant. “Get it to the writers ASAP, then. They’ll have a better idea of what to do with it than I do.”


	2. Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Time!

**Voiceover** : It’s that time again! The time you’ve all been waiting for! That’s right, it’s _Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Time!_

_(Flashy opening sequence with lots of twirling, sparkling, and glittering, plus a catchy pop song. When the twirling has subsided, cut to **Nami** , sitting at a desk in an ordinary Japanese teenage girl’s bedroom.)_

**Nami** : Despite the fact that I look eighteen and am an ace cartographer/navigator, I am actually really just an ordinary, unmotivated, unremarkable junior high school student! This is so boring! I wish I was cool in some way!  
**A voice** : Psst. Nami.  
**Nami** : What? A voice? Where is it coming from? _(Beat.)_ No, no, that should be “from where is it coming?” _(Beat.)_ Yeah, yeah. I forgot. Where is it coming from?  
**A voice** : Right here!  
**Nami** : _(Looks.)_ Ohmigosh! It’s two adorable little cats! _(One of the cats has dark, tousled fur and an adorable little straw hat on his head. The other has sleek blond fur and whiskers that curl up at the ends.)_  
**Blond cat** : Not half as adorable as you, Miss Nami! _(Heart eyes.)_  
**Nami** : The cat talked! And may, in fact, be hitting on me!  
**Straw hat cat** : Of course he talked! I'm Luffyko, and this is Sanjiko. _( **Luffyko** jumps up onto **Nami** ’s desk and pushes a sparkly brooch at **Nami**.)_ This is your transformation brooch.  
**Nami** : Luffyko, that’s pronounced “broach,” with a long O.  
**Luffyko** : But the script says—  
**Nami** : I know that’s how it’s spelled, but I promise you, it’s a long O sound, not an oo sound.  
**Luffyko** : Are you sure?  
**Nami** : Positive.  
**Luffyko** : All right! Anyway, this is your transformation brooch, and with it, you can transform into the guardian of love, justice, and vitamin C, Pretty Tangerine!  
**Nami** : Pretty… what?  
**Sanjiko** : _(Jumping up beside **Luffyko**.)_ You don’t need a transformation brooch for the pretty part!  
**Nami** : How does it work?  
**Luffyko** : Just hold it up and say, “Pretty power, make up!”  
**Nami** : If you say so, talking cat! Pretty power, make up! _(A flashy transformation sequence ensues, with flashy sparkling and flashy twirling and a measure of nudity.)_  
**Sanjiko** : _Mewllorine!_ _(Passes out, a small trickle of blood coming from his kitty nose.)_  
**Pretty Tangerine** : _(Done transforming, now wearing a stylized schoolgirl uniform.)_ Why didn’t they just call this the “Perverted Fanservice Hour”?  
**Luffyko** : Because it’s only a half-hour. Anyway, now that you’re ready, Pretty Tangerine, let’s go fight the bad guys!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Wait. Who am I fighting? _(But **Luffyko** and a suddenly conscious **Sanjiko** have already skipped off, adorably. Quickly, **Pretty Tangerine** runs after them.)_

_(Cut to downtown Tokyo. **Scary Man-Beast Chopper** is, for some reason, on a rampage. There’s already another junior high school girl who looks much, much older in a uniform like **Pretty Tangerine** ’s with two cats—a sleepy-looking fuzzy green one, and a long-nosed one with curly brown fur.)_

**Luffyko** : Zoroko! Usoppko! You’re already here!  
**Sanjiko** : _(Looking back and forth between **Pretty Tangerine** and the other girl.)_ Ahh! I can’t decide which is more beautiful!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Who is this?  
**Usoppko** : This is your partner in crime-fighting, Pretty Poneglyph!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Pretty… what?  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : It’s nice to meet you, Miss Tangerine. Shall we?  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Uh… yes! Let’s go!  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Let’s go! _(That having been decided, they go.)_  
**Scary Man-Beast Chopper** : GOR! _(Smacks them away.)_  
**Sanjiko** : How dare you hit a lady, you overgrown man-beast! _(Did I mention there were gratuitous panty shots?)_ _Mewllorine…!_  
**Zoroko** : We can’t get involved, you stupid love cat. This is their fight. _(Pause.)_ Hey, I got a line!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Our attacks aren’t working for some reason, Pretty Poneglyph!  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : I guess we’ll have to use… _that_ attack.  
**Pretty Tangerine** : _That_ attack? You can’t mean—! … Wait, what _do_ you mean?  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Our Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Sounds ultimate!  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : It is!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Let’s use it, then!  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Let’s!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : ... _How_ do we use it?  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Well, that’s simple; we—um. Hey, Usoppko, how do we use the Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack again?  
**Usoppko** : The what?  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : The Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack!  
**Usoppko** : I’ve never heard of that one.  
**Sanjiko** : Maybe they mean the Super Double Plus Combined Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack?  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Isn’t that what I said?  
**Luffyko** : Not at all!  
**Usoppko** : Well, if that’s what you meant, why didn’t you say so?  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Just hurry up and tell us how to use it! The enemy, who for some unknown reason has strangely not attacked during this discussion, could do so at any time!  
**Scary Man-Beast Chopper** : GOR! _(Smacks them away again.)_  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Never mind! I just remembered how to do it!  
**Pretty Tangerine** : Ohmigosh! Me too! Tangerine Power!  
**Pretty Poneglyph** : Poneglyph Power!  
**Both** : Pretty Power! _(There is a long, complex, and exceptionally flashy series of twirling, sparkling, glittering, etc., during which time the enemy could easily attack but does not—possibly having a seizure from the flashing lights? Also there are lots of gratuitous panty shots.)_  
**Sanjiko** : _Mewllorine!_  
**Pretty Poneglyph _and_ Pretty Tangerine** : ATTACK! _(Their attack, which is also sparkly and pretty, goes flying at Scary Man-Beast Chopper, and hits him dead on.)_  
**Scary Man-Beast Chopper** : GOR! _(Flashing, glittering, etc. The network will be sued for putting so many children in the hospital. When the light clears, **Scary Man-Beast Chopper** is gone, replaced by **Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper**. **Pretty Tangerine** removes her transformation and becomes **Nami** again; **Pretty Poneglyph** does the same to become **Robin**. They run up to **Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper** , who, being adorable, is now worthy of their concern.)_  
**Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper** : Why do I have to be the bad guy…?  
**Nami** : Because, let’s face it, your human form is freaking scary.  
**Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper** : Oh. Yeah. There’s that. _(Flashy, angsty pause.)_ What am I going to do now?  
**Robin** : Isn’t that obvious?  
**Nami** : Who the hell are you?  
**Robin** : _(Rolls her sparkly eyes.)_ Pretty Poneglyph!  
**Nami** : No way!  
**Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper** : AHEM! Focus, people!  
**Robin** : Oh, right! You can become our mascot!  
**Nami** : Yes! Our mascot! _(Cheers, happiness, laughter, etc. all around.)_  
**Usoppko** : Uh. Mascot? Hey. You already _have_ four of them...

 **Voiceover** : The world is narrowly saved from man-beast destruction, thanks to the Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Power of.…Pretty Poneglyph and Pretty Tangerine! Stay tuned for the next episode, in which basically the same thing happens!

* * *

“Come in!”

Uno’s assistant sighed. He had reacted pretty well to the last overhaul command, but she didn’t know how long that would last.

“The ratings for the _Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love_ show were even worse than for _All My Pirates_ ,” she said, handing him the envelope.

Uno once again extracted the contents. “Boy, I didn’t call that one at _all_.” He thumbed through the memo. “Hm. Trying to cash in on _that_ trend, then? Can’t say I blame them.” He stuffed them back into the envelope and thrust it back at his assistant.

“To the writers, then?”

“We won’t be needing them,” Uno said, lighting a cigar.

His assistant coughed.


	3. The Real World: Going Merry Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter contains a running joke in which the punchline is “Sanji is exactly the same, but at the opposite end of the Kinsey scale.” I actually don’t think I handled it too poorly, but certainly nowadays I am much more wary of anything in which queerness is a punchline, and so this chapter preface.
> 
> Also use of the word “bitchy” to describe a female character and “obsessive-compulsive” to mean “neat freak,” which is even a pet peeve of mine now, ha.
> 
> Oh, and I know I said I don’t like to use honorifics, but clearly then as now, -swan doesn’t count.

**Voiceover** : We’ve taken seven average, ordinary teenagers, put them together on one boat, and had cameras record them at all times! This is it: _The Real World: Going Merry Go!_

 **Luffy** : _(Caption:_ Luffy, the “goofy troublemaker” _)_ I love meat and straw hats and kicking ass!  
**Zoro** : _(Caption:_ Zoro, the “lazy tough guy” _)_ Zzzzz…  
**Nami** : _(Caption:_ Nami, the “bitchy diva” _)_ Wait, “ordinary”? Have you been paying attention? - Wait! Bitchy diva! I resent that!  
**Usopp** : _(Caption:_ Usopp, the “loud, obnoxious one” _)_ Hey!  
**Sanji** : _(Caption:_ Sanji, the “obsessive-compulsive gay one” _)_ I’m—wait, GAY? That doesn’t even make any sense!  
**Chopper** : _(Caption:_ Chopper, the “cuddly mascot” _)_ Why am I always the mascot? I’m more educated than almost all these other guys!  
**Robin** : _(Caption:_ Robin, the “mysterious, distant one” _)_ I hardly think I'm a teenager…

_(Cut to the kitchen—er, galley. Kitchen. WTFever. **Sanji** is making breakfast.)_

**Sanji** : Here you go, my beloved, my buttercup, my beautiful ray of sunshine!  
**Luffy** : Thanks, Sanji! This looks great! _(Digs in.)_  
**Zoro** : Zzzzz…  
**Usopp** : _(From the other room; shouting.)_ Saaaaaaaanji! Is breakfast ready?  
**Sanji** : Yes, my long-nosed cabbage! I’m in here with Luffy-swan and Zoro-swan!  
**Usopp** : _(Coming in, still shouting.)_ Hey, you better watch what you say! You know how Zoro gets when you hit on him! He’s tough! But can’t speak for himself, as he is also lazy and currently taking a nap!  
**Sanji** : Shh. Don’t wake my precious little Marimo!  
**Usopp** : Oh, don’t worry! I doubt even Hurricane Nami could wake him! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha I’m so funny!

_(Cut to **Nami** camera-talking in private.)_

**Nami** : So this morning, I come downstairs, and the guys are having breakfast or whatever, but then I hear Usopp make this crack at me. And I’m just like… what the hell. I mean, seriously. What the hell did I ever do to him? God. He just pisses me off so much, you know! Sometimes I can’t even stand it. It’s like… he can’t even say it to my face. He’s always gotta be going behind my back. _(She sighs in frustration, shaking her head.)_

_(Cut back to the kitchen.)_

**Nami** : _(Running in, she nails him in the back of the head with her fist.)_ I heard that! Why do you have to be talking crap, Usopp? Huh? Why?  
**Usopp** : Listen, it was just a joke, okay?  
**Nami** : God. You always do this, you know? I just… I just can’t take it anymore! You need to learn when to shut your mouth!

_(Cut to Sanji camera-talking in private.)_

**Sanji** : Oh, my god, I am so going to strangle Nami. We’re all having breakfast, nice as you please, and then Usopp-swan makes this _harmless_ little joke, and she comes in and starts freaking out! I swear. Women! _(Rolls his eyes.)_ I don’t mind Robin so much because, I swear, I hardly see her, but I wish Nami would just go away already.

_(Cut back to the kitchen.)_

**Chopper** : _(Stumbling in. He is wearing Care Bear pajamas with a little nightcap on his head, clutching a fuzzy blanket. He rubs his eyes and yawns. It is the most adorable thing ever seen by mankind.)_ Hey. What’s all the noise?  
**Others** : Aww.  
**Sanji** : Did we wake you, Chopper-swan? Here, let me fix you something!  
**Chopper** : Can I have a chocolate shake?  
**Sanji** : Of course! I will make it with all the love and care that I have in my heart, just for you!  
**Usopp** : Hey, where’s Robin?  
**Nami** : God. Why do you always have to pry into other people’s business, Usopp? Seriously. Just shut up, okay? _Just shut up!_  
**Sanji** : Robin doesn’t cause as much drama as the rest of us, so she gets less screen time.

_(Cut to **Robin** camera-talking in private.)_

**Robin** : I’m… not going to appear in this episode at all, am I.

_(Cut back to the kitchen.)_

**Usopp** : _I SEE!_  
**Chopper** : Stop yelling! _(Sips on his shake, which is very thick, thus making it difficult and somehow even more adorable.)_  
**Usopp** : Aww. Of course. _(Pets **Chopper** , goes to his happy place.)_  
**Sanji** : Hey, you, hands off my Chopper-swan! _(To **Chopper**.) Hands off my Usopp-swan! _(Focus on **Nami** , looking hurt.)__

_(Cut to **Usopp** camera-talking in private.)_

**Usopp** : Sanji is so greedy. He just wants to keep everyone to himself. It gets really irritating, you know? It’s not like I’m jealous or whatever, but… it’s obvious Nami totally has the hots for him. I know he’s gay, but if they would just go off into the sunset together or whatever, I wouldn’t have a problem with that.

_(Cut back to the kitchen.)_

**Sanji** : Luffy-swan, how is the bacon?  
**Luffy** : _(In-between mouthfuls.)_ Great!

_(Cut to **Luffy** camera-talking in private.)_

**Luffy** : God, Sanji makes the _best_ bacon. Seriously. I’ve never had better bacon in my life. In fact, I want some more right now! _(Gets up, wanders off.)_ Saaaaaaaanji!

_(Cut back to the kitchen.)_

**Nami** : Where’s my breakfast?  
**Sanji** : Make it yourself.  
**Nami** : _(Looks even more hurt.)_ Asshole! _(Runs from the room, crying.)_  
**Zoro** : Zzzzz…

_(Cut to **Nami** camera-talking in private.)_

**Nami** : _(Wiping away tears.)_ It’s just like… I just want him to notice me, you know? In a positive way! I understand that he’s gay, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less! I feel like no matter what I do, I’m never going to be good enough! He’s the only one that’s even worth anything around this place, anyway. Especially compared to Zoro; all _that_ guy ever does is sleep!

_(Cut to **Zoro** camera-talking in private.)_

**Zoro** : Zzzzz…

_(Cut back to the kitchen.)_

**Sanji** : What the hell’s her problem?  
**Usopp** : You have to be less insensitive to women, Sanji.  
**Sanji** : What? What do I care about being sensitive to women?

_(Cut to the front door. Yes, the front door of the ship. The doorbell rings. Yes, the doorbell on the ship. **Nami** , wiping away her tears of WOE, answers it. **Vivi** is standing on the other side. Both of them shriek and hug.)_

**Nami** : Ohmygod! What are you doing here!  
**Vivi** : We’re going to go shopping, okay!  
**Nami** : Ohmygod! Okay!

_(Cut to Usopp camera-talking in private.)_

**Usopp** : So Nami’s best friend or whatever, Vivi, came to visit, which was cool, mainly because it got her out of the house for a little while. My head still hurts from where she hit me…

_(Montage of **Vivi** and **Nami** going around town shopping. They docked at an island, okay? There are no plot holes in this story whatsoever.)_

**Vivi** : Why is so much of this show devoted to you?  
**Nami** : Because I’m the hottest, the bitchiest, and the most stylish. I am the poster child for the MTV generation.  
**Vivi** : I see!  
**Nami** : Ohmygod!  
**Vivi** : Ohmygod!

_(Cut back to the Going Merry Go.)_

**Usopp** : …Reality television sucks.

 **Voiceover** : Next time, on _The Real World: Going Merry Go_ , Nami says a tearful goodbye to Vivi. Luffy and Usopp have a confrontation over bacon. Chopper is adorable. Zoro has a nap.

* * *

“Let me guess.” Uno spun around in his chair to face his assistant, who was, as usual, clutching a manila envelope. “The reality show idea tanked too.”

She wordlessly held the envelope out to him.

He opened it and looked at the contents. “No,” he said flatly, handing it right back to her.

“But it’s what the execs—”

“The execs don’t have a concept of reality,” Uno pointed out, grabbing his phone and dialing. “Hello, this is Uno. … Yes, I understand that shows like that are experiencing a surge in popularity right now, but we simply cannot afford to put that much money in a show that isn’t pulling in the— … Yes, I know that. … _Yes_ , I know that.” He put his hand to his forehead, as if he were getting a headache, which he probably was. “Yes. I understand.” He hung up.

There was a silence.

“What are you waiting for?” he barked, making his assistant jump. “Get that to the writers!”

“Yes, sir.” She turned and fled.


End file.
